You’re Always in the Clear When You’re With Me: An Update on Baby #2
In one week, we’ll walk into an ultrasound room and learn more about whether or not something is wrong with one of baby #2’s kidneys. I’ve wanted to share that they found something abnormal since we found out nearly two months ago. But our doctor informed us that probably, it would clear up on its own, because I guess this type of thing often does.
But, before we knew anything was potentially abnormal, as we were in the ultrasound room, for a split second, I breathed a breath of relief thinking about how nice it was to have an ultrasound without any anxiety. With the miscarriage and even with Remi’s growth concerns in the womb, ultrasounds just lost their luster. We went in with baited breath, never feeling completely relaxed. And now, here we were, at the second ultrasound for this sweet babe and feeling like we could relax little bit — smile and laugh even. But that second of peace quickly passed and my heart closed back up as I saw the organs flash on the screen. Keep in mind, we know nothing is wrong yet. But, for some reason when the kidney came on the screen, I remember thinking, “We’re not in the clear yet, are we?” And then immediately right after that, I felt God speak this truth to my heart: “You’re always in the clear when you’re with Me.”
I wanted to cry tears of joy as God’s overwhelmingly powerful peace flooded my anxious heart.
We walk out of the ultrasound blissfully unaware that anything was wrong.
It wasn’t until the doctor stepped into our room and informed us something looked abnormal that I realized the significance of God’s timing. I had no reason to think anything was wrong with my unborn son’s kidney, and yet at the exact moment it flashed on the screen, God pressed that profound truth upon my heart, removing all anxiety. I was blown away that He would be so specific with His timing and with speaking to me about the baby’s kidney before I ever knew anything was wrong.
We left that appointment encouraged and thankful for the peace God gave us. We shared the results and God’s provision with a few close family and friends. But if I’m honest, my husband and I both sort of pushed it to the side and didn’t talk or think about it much. I think we thought that by avoiding it, we were believing that nothing was wrong and that it would, in fact, correct itself by the next ultrasound. We didn’t want to cause concern or worry our families or be anxious about it, so we chose to simply believe that probably, it would all work out fine.
Fast forward to tonight at the Flourish Indy conference. During the last worship set, at the end of the conference, I was flooded with the peace and truth of how much God truly loves us. And I felt God nudging me to consider that His ways are not our ways. And then He gently reminded me of the kidney abnormality.
He flooded me with the promise and power of His love... and then He reminded me of the very thing I had been avoiding thinking about or talking about for the past two months.
I felt the tears stream down my face. I knew exactly what He was telling me and I knew I had to bring my heart’s fear into the Light and face it: what if we go in there next week and something is actually really wrong. So I faced it. I recognized it. And I gave it to Him. And then He said: “Remember? I love you. So incredibly much. And I’m asking you to call good what I call good.”
My heart was yet again, immediately flooded with such an unusual and strange peace. I know that when we walk into that ultrasound next week that my heart has been prepared. Not because I know what they’ll discover — I don’t know what the results will be. But because I know that with God, I’m always in the clear. With God, I can call good what He calls good, even if it’s abnormal.
I wanted to share this before getting the results and before knowing the path this story will take, because I wanted to invite you into the middle — the hard, the unknown — and hope it inspires you to trust the God who loves you more than you could possibly understand. I know that He knows what’s good in my life and I know that without Him I don’t have the wisdom to know the difference. I do know we were promised suffering in this life and so if I can’t avoid it, I want to suffer under the wings of my Heavenly Father as He draws me nearer and nearer, believing that closeness with Him is to be valued far more than an “easy” life.