I Got Bangs and Had a Hair Identity Crisis and God Showed Up
Here’s the thing. I got bangs. Mainly the decision was made as a fun way to hide a lot of the breakage my hair experienced during pregnancy and postpartum. I felt confident that I couldn’t be shaken by something so silly as bangs. But let me tell you friends, I’ve been in a hair identity crisis since yesterday at 11:30am when I got them cut. Over the past 24 hours I’ve felt everything from confidence and excitement to straight up anxiety and insecurity. And all of this over cutting some hair. I’ve been back in the salon to have them redone already and it’s only been 24 hours. And while I do love them and they are fun and make me feel a lot like Zooey Deschanel in New Girl, it’s also been scary and eye opening. Because I realized how much of my identity is tied into my looks. I worried I didn’t look like “myself” and worried what other people would think. And it wasn’t until just a moment ago as I was on my knees praying on the floor that I realized: I don’t want my confidence to come from ANYTHING except my standing with God. So I’m thankful for these bangs. Not just because they’re a fun new look that hides broken pieces of hair, but because they taught me a valuable lesson about self-worth. And if I’m honest, this is everything I could have asked for. A chance to be reminded that looks are as fleeting as the wind. If I’m honest, I’m not looking for an easy life. I believe in the deep, life changing power of the hard stuff because it reminds me again and again that true life in Christ isn’t supposed to be easy and I wouldn’t even be happy if it was. I’d always be longing for more substance, more depth, more intimacy with Christ.
See, when I got married something interesting happened with my dress. I picked my wedding dress out solely based on the response of my mom and mother-in-law. When I walked out in it, they cried. And it was a unique dress and I did like it. But I just went with it and made the decision pretty quickly. One week before my wedding I found myself alone in the dress crying out to God because I didn’t feel beautiful in it. I just plain didn’t like the way I looked in it. And as I was crying, the most profound thing happened. I suddenly felt this surge of strength and confidence in God’s true purpose for my life. I realized that looking and feeling like a Barbie on my wedding day was not the goal. I decided right then and there in my tear stained wedding dress that if anyone told me I looked beautiful on my wedding day, I would know it was because my joy came from something far more stunning and far greater than a picture perfect wedding dress.
I’d rather be made up of more than just what appears on the outside. I want to have some grit. Some depth. I want my life to be abundant. I don’t want a life that amounts to face masks and serums and perfect hair styles and the latest trends and cute jeans. I want a rich life that is trained by everything that comes my way, whether it’s a season of suffering or one of joy-filled excitement.
I know, it’s silly. All of this just because I got bangs. But that’s just how it goes when you start to believe that everything is spiritual. You start to find that everything in life is an opportunity to hear from God and fall deeper and deeper in love with Him.